Running toward or running away? The one question before any big life change
Before any major move — quitting, leaving, relocating, reinventing — ask one question: am I running toward something, or away from something I can't stand? Toward is almost always right: the motivation is generative and the direction is clear even when it's frightening. Away is sometimes right too — but it deserves a second look, because escape-driven moves tend to relocate your problems rather than solve them.
The story that teaches the difference
I know someone who quit their job, ended their relationship, sold most of their possessions, and moved across the world — all in the same month. From the outside it looked like courage. From the inside, they told me years later, it was panic: every one of those decisions was made not toward something they wanted but away from a version of themselves they found intolerable. They arrived in the new country, after the initial relief of escape, and found they'd brought themselves with them. The patterns were waiting in the new place. The change of scenery had changed the scenery.
The diagnostic
Run this test honestly: if the situation you're fleeing were removed tomorrow — the job disappeared, the relationship resolved itself, the city stopped suffocating — would you still want to make this move? If the desire exists independent of the current pain, it's probably real; proceed and check the filters. If the desire only exists because of the pain, what you have is a reaction, not a decision. Reactions point at exits. Decisions point at destinations. You can usually feel the difference if you're honest enough to look: the right moves have a quality of moving toward a specific, articulable life. The wrong ones have only the energy of anywhere but here.
Sometimes leaving IS the answer — done as a decision
None of this argues for staying in bad situations. Some things need to end, and ending them decisively is the brave move — the book calls it the Leave, and it's often harder than any leap because the loss is guaranteed rather than risked. The test isn't whether you're leaving; it's whether you've chosen where you're going. "I'm leaving because this is wrong for me, toward work where I build instead of maintain" is a decision. "I'm leaving because this has become unbearable and anything would be a relief" is a reaction wearing a decision's clothes.
A special warning about crisis decisions
The decisions made from the very bottom — fresh grief, acute failure, depression — deserve particular care, because from down there, everything attached to your current life becomes associated with the pain, and everything outside it looks like relief. The move that honours both truths: act in the crisis, but keep the actions small and constructive — train, create, reach out, start tiny things. Defer the irreversible calls until the acute phase passes. Most serious therapists give the same advice about major changes immediately after significant loss, and the reason is simple: the perspective from the bottom is narrow, and the one from six months later is wide.
This question is the heart of the "When NOT to FIDI" chapter in F*ck It, Do It by Chadi Nassar — a book about acting before you feel ready, with guardrails. Read the first chapter free.
FAQ
How do I tell toward from away?
Remove the current pain hypothetically. If you'd still want the move, it's toward. If the desire evaporates, it was escape.
Is leaving to escape always wrong?
No — but choose the destination, not just the exit, or you'll arrive somewhere new carrying the same patterns.
Big decisions during a crisis?
Act small and constructive immediately; defer the irreversible until the acute phase passes.